when leah and i moved into our apartment in edgewater in miami we went to the bed bath & beyond in miami beach. we bought a blue mug for me. it was round and easy to hold without using the handle. i drank terrible coffee from it and then one day we moved.
we put things into 2 cars and then drove and then pulled over and took a nap on a picnic table on top of each other and then drove and then we were in ohio and then we waited a year and i used the mug only a little bit and then we put things into two cars and then we drove and then we arrived at a house in edgewater colorado. then we got back into the car and drove to big daddys pizza and i got out of the car and walked around the back side of the car instead of the front and i remembered the mug was balanced somewhere in the back seat and i remembered it was balancing against a book that was balancing against a window scraper that was pushed against the door and i opened the door and grabbed the scraper and the book and the mug rolled over and hit the side of the seat and bounced and fell onto the ground and shattered.
i got back into the driver’s seat of the car and i was unable to speak. leah said she was sorry in a condolences kind of way and i sat there in the driver’s seat of the car and i felt. so frustrated. it was difficult to move my lungs to each breath and it was difficult to move my blood and i sat in the driver’s seat. leah asked me some questions but i didn’t answer them or i said something conciliatory because i did not want to talk but i did not know how to not talk yet. i waited for my thoughts to coagulate so i could reason with them as a mass instead of a hundred small things. and i waited for the things to be docile and i waited for our pizza to be ready. and then i retrieved it.
the moments of sitting in the car after moving to colorado and then witnessing that mug break were very difficult for me because i really liked that mug. i am trying to write simply to express something very simple: i liked that mug. i’m crying just thinking about it. i felt very sad and very defeated and not at all hopeful and right now remembering it i feel similarly sad and defeated. there is not much that i have done that contributes to the improvement of things and i am crying about a mug.
later in colorado leah bought me a mug from someone that makes mugs at the art student’s league of denver. it’s blue and round and very easy to hold and frankly it is much better than the old mug.
today i’m drinking a beer and leah is asleep a few feet away in our bed and i am hoping that when i die it is quick and easy. fast and painless. harsh and soon.
playlist:
Keisuke Sakurai - [HEISEI NO OTO - JAPANESE LEFT-FIELD POP FROM THE CD AGE 1989-1996 #13] Harai (CD Version)
bigmutha - [Muthaleficent 2 #03] Muthaleficent March (prod. Rock Floyd / Outby16 & Keadrean)
black midi - [Cavalcade CD1 #07] Hogwash and Balderdash
Fake Fruit - [Fake Fruit #11] Milkman
Sam Gendel - [Fresh Bread #01] Eternal loop
Sebii - [Chikorita CD1 #01] Chikorita
Drakeo the Ruler - [The Truth Hurts CD1 #04] It's Sum Shit On Me
$Not - [Beautiful Havoc CD1 #03] "Life"
8485 - [alpha testing #04] skinz (prod. powerdoll)
Bladee & Thaiboy Digital - [The Fool #09] Inspiration Comes
Bladee - [The Fool #04] I Think…
Denzel Curry, Kenny Beats, Smino, Robert Glasper - [UNLOCKED 1.5 #01] So.Incredible.pkg (Robert Glasper Version)
Adrianne Lenker - [Songs CD1 #03] Anything
Adrianne Lenker - [Songs CD1 #04] Forwards Beckon Rebound
Drakeo the Ruler - [The Truth Hurts CD1 #02] Too Icey
SEBii - [Visored Vitality CD1 #02] Butterfly Bankai
Drakeo the Ruler - [The Truth Hurts CD1 #05] 10
$Not - [Beautiful Havoc CD1 #07] Toni Braxton
mega: https://mega.nz/folder/ucdUURCb#yRqjzXtdrbgXOBcvOAbhEQ
youtube: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4bUgvWbrZGLO-fItz_FsogtKnn9IYVEg
i didn’t put any thought into the ordering of this playlist it’s just songs i like at the moment