the fall
i went to a wedding the other day :)
i have been feeling very strange lately. very emotional. i am still looking for a job and it is not going well. i’ve been told something is coming my way soon but i am not hopeful. my job is annoying as fuck lately as well in a way that is especially frustrating for me so i have been generally bothered by that. my apartment is not as clean as i’d like it to be or well organized even when it is clean and i think that has been having a larger impact than i’d previously thought.
i went to a wedding the other day. one of leah’s best friends. we flew to [redacted] and stayed in [redacted] and it was beautiful. the town there is small and creepy in a kind of familiar way. we drove up from the airport in a rental car. i worked at a camp near there years ago and as we drove towards the destination i felt a peculiar sense of familiarity. i forget how many places i have relationships with and it can be jarring to suddenly be reminded of a set of feelings that i haven’t heard from in a while. on entering the town i felt a penetrating disdain toward the town as a sort of synecdoche for the usa. i didn’t expect to feel so strongly about this town or this area but i think the shock left me feeling vulnerable and unprepared to handle the rest of the weekend.
i met some of leah’s friends for the first time and i reconnected with like half a dozen people. the first day we did a rehearsal of the ceremony and then we went to a nearby house and ate dinner with the bridal party and some others. at the dinner i sat with the bridal party because leah was a bridesmaid. the conversation shifted between jokes and memories and intimate questions and vulnerable reflection. i realized part of the way through the dinner that this was the first time in like 5 years that i have met any substantial amount of new people. i felt so honored to be included in that dinner and to be given the opportunity to meet these people. afterwards we played pool and listened to music and i felt myself operating from a place of security and comfort. despite being surrounded by people who i did not know, in a part of the country that makes me distinctly uncomfortable, at an event that i was at only due to leah, i felt completely at home. the people there made me feel welcomed and embraced.
the next day was the wedding. i woke up early and got coffee and pastries for leah and myself and then got ready for the wedding. i wore marsell derbies and monitaly pants and a jacquemus shirt. leah left to go be in the wedding and i waited and then i went to the ceremony and sat in the last row. i sat next to two strangers and someone i went to college with. i sat with my hands in my lap and cried for the entire ceremony. afterwards i spoke with two friends from college and then i spoke with the groom and the bride. the bride let me gush for a moment over how beautiful she is and then told me how happy she is that leah and i have each other.
i am generally very emotional at weddings but this wedding in particular really got to me. the first time i saw the bride she was in her rehearsal outfit and i immediately started crying. the same thing happened when i saw the groom. and then during the ceremony from the moment i saw the groom walk in with their parent i started crying.
after the wedding we went to a local bar and drank and hung out for a while. the drinks were cheap and heavy. we walked outside to [redacted] and then stood there chatting for a while. i was a little drunk and i kept reminding myself to enjoy the conversation and the experience and the people. i didn’t need the reminder but i find that i enjoy things more when i remind myself to enjoy them. afterwards leah and i went back to our room and talked about the day and everything else and then we went to bed.
we went home the next day.
i spent almost all of the reception talking to two friends from college who now live in [redacted] who were talking to me about living there. they were expressing how much they like living there and how many mutual friends of ours live there and will continue to live there for a long time, and they were saying that leah and i ought to move there. the combination of how much i was loving the wedding and how much i was enjoying the experience of meeting new people and reconnecting with people i haven’t seen in years made the idea interesting. i have often expressed to leah and bennett how painful it has been to be so isolated. i am not literally isolated, leah and i live in colorado and there are many people around. but i have not successfully made new irl friends since i graduated college in 2018 and that is very painful for me. in denver i have no community outside of leah and bennett. i have adjusted to this and i spend most of my time studying, playing video games, or hanging out with leah and bennett. but the this weekend reminded me that i am happiest when i am being social, and now that i have experienced this intense reminder i feel a heavy regret for how long i’ve gone without any sort of social life.
a playlist:
Doon Kanda - Gut
@ - Where'd You Put Me?
Tomberlin: - February
Adrianne Lenker - Disappear
Brandi Carlile - Beginning to Feel the Years
Carla Morrison - Cercanía
Florist - Two Ways
Frank Ocean - Nights
Animal Collective - Fireworks
ANOHNI and the Johnsons - There Wasn’t Enough
Porridge Radio - Born Confused
Why? - Gnashville
Tenci - Be
Tim Bernardes - Mistificar
Cleo Sol - We Need You
yeule - inferno
mega: https://mega.nz/folder/2MswiYYA#D7MRBcusn9umFozuKXAGqw
youtube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4bUgvWbrZGI9IqykSp4tiScMEU-0sAh7